My letter to you.
I guess the time has come for me to be honest, time for me to tell you what I have always had on my mind, things that I shelved and hid away out of respect for you. Culturally that’s what a good little Mexican girl does, right? But in the end somehow I ended up protecting you, when YOU were the one who was suppose to protect me, protect my spirit, protect my light that would shine so bright one day. Instead, you broke me each and every time you would say you would pick me up and never show up, never call, and never even gave explanation as to where the hell you were for 6 months at a time. I would drive around town running errands with my Mom subconsciously always looking for your white pick up truck hoping to maybe catch a glimpse of you. I just wanted you. Although we did have some pretty wonderful moments when you were present. I can't ignore the fact that you are responsible for creating a dialog in my head from a very young age at that I wasn’t good enough, no matter how hard I tried. As a child I was looked down upon and treated like an outcast by my community, I was shunned by some of your family and not even given the time of day. I can no longer pretend like everything was all good, because it wasn’t. I could never in a million years imagine doing this to E, breaking his little heart over and over and what you did was not OK. I am now picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of all the dysfunction that was created and completely out of my control. I can no longer think that I was not good enough or what would it had been like if you were truly a present father. My love for you is so strong and that will never die, but the pain you caused was real and it deserves to be recognized. I have done some serious work to get where I am today. I am ready to move on, forgive you and release pain that I have been holding on to for a really long time. I’m ready to nurture my inner child and give her the opportunity to be her best self, from this day forward. The light that was dimmed is returning and I’m becoming a more confident Joey that loves herself, advocates for herself and most importantly a woman who is not ashamed of where she came from.